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August 20, 2008 1:16 AM

Bigfoot wear wooden shoes that are carved to look like feet.

Though they are wily and elusive, bigfoot are rather easily trapped in caves.

Bigfoot love pancakes, garlic, and chewing tobacco.

As an interdimensional being, bigfoot can be photographed when he is not there, but not when he is there. (Figure that one out. And while you are at it, tell me the sound of one hand clapping.)

When bigfoot dies, it deteriorates rapidly into a rubber and fiber mass that is indistinguishable from a halloween costume.

All bigfoot bury their dead in vintage 1970s freezers half full of water and bags of ice.

While no scientific body will pay a dime for the systematic search for a living bigfoot, a dead body is worth at least ten million dollars.

Livestock are not safe from an amorous bigfoot. In fact, bigfoot love horses so much that they will spend an entire evening braiding their manes.

Bigfoot is mostly primate, but is burdened with a terrible family secret involving an opposum and a lost weekend in the Great Dismal Swamp.

**A hearty box of “Uncle Hairy’s Buckwheat Pancake Mix” to anyone who can add to the list.

BTW: Just saw the New York Times paragraph about the Bigfoot Body Fiasco, and the wording of their piece leaves you with the impression that they don’t really buy Mr. Biscardi’s protestations that he was an innocent victim. I’d love to link to it, but I’ve been told the NYT doesn’t like that, for whatever reason.. So try searching under “California: Bigfoot? Just rubber, folks.” And, yes, they do make you sign in.

NOTE: I had a joke up about the teeth but I’ve removed that one as insensitive and buffoonish.. which are two words that I do not resemble at all.

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